In Their Own Skin: Cassie

WELCOME TO THE “IN THEIR OWN SKIN” SERIES.

One of the biggest honors of my job as a boudoir photographer is hearing the stories clients share with me. While these stories are not mine to share on a public platform, I hold them close in my heart. They bring me inspiration, strength, and light in a way that only true humanity and vulnerability can. 

I created the “In Their Own Skin” series to share some of these stories with you. The “In Their Own Skin” participants graciously consented to share their stories (told in their own words) alongside their boudoir pictures. My sincere hope is that these stories and pictures will bring you moments of strength, uplift your soul, and encourage you to keep moving forward, especially as we navigate these challenging times. 

Today I get to introduce you to Cassie! Her words about her journey with infertility, miscarriage, and pregnancy are powerful and honest. She also shares about how her relationship with her body has changed throughout her pregnancy journey. Here are her words. 

“I’m Cassie. I’m 24 years old. I’m expecting my first baby (I’m eight months pregnant!) with my husband, Bobby. We’ve been married for 2 ½ years, and we’ve been together almost 6 years. 

“We live in Isanti, out of the cities, in the North metro. We have a dog named Leo, who’s our baby. He’s going to be very jealous for a couple months (when we have our baby)! I’m also a special education teacher.” 

“We just wanted to be a family.” 

“Infertility and miscarriage are part of our story. We got married, and we started trying right away. We were gonna wait a couple months, six months, but I told Bobby, “I want a baby right now! I cannot wait!” So we started right away. 

“It’s common for it to take a few months, but I was like, “I’m going to get pregnant the first month!” I was very confident. It didn’t work, and it was crushing that first month. The first part of our marriage was really rough, because we thought we’d get pregnant right away. 

“A couple months went on, six months went on, and we decided to get a dog because I needed something to love on and I still wasn’t pregnant. We reached the one-year mark, which was hard because the one-year mark was also our anniversary. It was very bittersweet. 

“We started to get our foster care license because we just wanted to be a family. Everyone would say, “As soon as you get your license, as soon as you get a call, you’re going to get pregnant.” And that actually did happen.

“One year ago (July 2019), we found out we were pregnant from the first treatment, which was taking a little bit of progesterone; we took all the tests and found out it was a little low. On August 4, we lost the baby. It was really early, so I told myself, “People lose babies who are further along.” But I think it hurts either way -- it was still a baby.

“After the miscarriage, I was more emotional. We’d lost a baby, and we were still struggling with infertility, so I couldn’t get pregnant quickly again. A lot of women say it’ll ‘work right’ the next month, but that wasn’t our case; it took another six months. We had to see another doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist. I found out I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). 

“We were really lucky, because the doctor was amazing. He sat down with us and said, “This is what you have. This is exactly what I want you to do.” We started that protocol right away, and treatment worked two months later.” 

“It’s a baby girl!”

“In January, we were really hopeful that 2020 was going to be a better year. It’s been a crazy year! But for us, it’s been really good, because when January started out, we were pregnant right away and with the first treatment It worked, it stuck, the baby stuck -- she’s right here, it’s a baby girl! 

“But those months before -- between the miscarriage, getting pregnant, not knowing that she was healthy and that it was a healthy pregnancy, not knowing that I was going to stay pregnant -- were really hard. I struggled really badly with depression. I actually had feelings of definitely not loving myself, just trying to get through each day, and not even wanting to be here anymore. I felt like the only reason I had to live was up in heaven anyways, so they were some very, very low times for me. 

“In February/March, we found out that she’s healthy, she’s still growing. We’re so thankful now to be pregnant, even during a pandemic. After infertility, I’m kind of like, “Seriously God, why did you want that timing for me?!” But my husband is super supportive and reminds me, “Would you rather still be struggling right now, or be pregnant during a pandemic?” I’m still so thankful to be pregnant during this crazy time. I could still be hurting a lot.” 

“I’m glad to talk about it now.” 

“While we were going through infertility, I did not want to share anything about my life. I was very ashamed that I could not get pregnant. It felt like that’s what women’s bodies were supposed to do, and mine couldn’t do that on its own. 

“When we had the miscarriage, I actually was more open to talking about it because I’d gotten pregnant.I could say, ‘I have a baby, mine’s just in heaven.’ But the infertility was still really hard to talk about until this pregnancy. I wish I would’ve had the confidence to talk about it more, because other women would, and that was so encouraging for me -- to follow the women on social media and hear their stories. I’m glad to talk about it now and am very open about it. 

“I’m learning to love myself and trust my body again.” 

“The infertility journey and miscarriage were really rough on me. My body changed a lot because of the emotions that went into it and the hormone changes from treatment. The emotions affect your hormones a lot! 

“During this journey, I had a lot of hate; I just did not like myself. I did not trust my body. There was a lot of anxiety and depression that came on with infertility. Now, as I’m pregnant, I’m learning to love myself and trust my body again. 

“I’ve never been happier with my body before! I’m just excited to become a mom now.”

Cassie, thank you so, so much for trusting me with your maternity boudoir portraits and your story. You have such a creative soul and such a beautiful heart! It was a true joy to work with you. Congratulations on your pregnancy -- I am so delighted that your family is growing.  

A little post-photoshoot note: Cassie had her baby girl in early October, and she is beautiful and healthy and amazing! Congratulations, Cassie <3