In Their Own Skin: "A"

Welcome to the “In Their Own Skin” series.

One of the biggest honors of my job as a boudoir photographer is hearing the stories clients share with me. While these stories are not mine to share on a public platform, I hold them close in my heart. They bring me inspiration, strength, and light in a way that only true humanity and vulnerability can. 

I created the “In Their Own Skin” series to share some of these stories with you. The “In Their Own Skin” participants graciously consented to share their stories (told in their own words) alongside their boudoir pictures. My sincere hope is that these stories and pictures will bring you moments of strength, uplift your soul, and encourage you to keep moving forward, especially as we navigate these challenging times. 

I’m really excited to introduce you to “A,” the next participant in the “In Their Own Skin” series.  

“A’s” words and story are honest, powerful, and straightforward. Some content may be challenging to read for those who have struggled with body image and/or eating concerns. I’m so honored to share “A’s” story of cultivating confidence, growth, and self-love. Here are her words.

“I have hated my body for as long as I can remember. I have a vivid memory of sitting in a bathtub as a young girl, maybe eight years old, squeezing my thighs, and wishing I could move the fat to other places on my body. I can recall what I was wearing when my mom put me on a scale for the first time and told me I had to lose weight.

I have spent more of my life dieting than not, and I have agonized over my size and body shape for the past 27 years. 

When I look at myself, my first instinct is to criticize it -- 

Arms too flabby 

Cheeks too chubby

Boobs too small

Stomach too big

Butt too flat.

I can count on two hands the number of times I have looked at myself in a mirror and been happy with what I see. Even at my lowest weight, I felt huge, and ‘science’ backed me up -- according to my BMI, I was still ‘overweight.’” 

So why would I elect to have photos taken of myself if I hate my body so much? So glad you asked. 

I have hated my body for as long as I can remember. But I am learning to hate it less and less each day. 

I would love to report that I woke up one morning and accepted that I’m beautiful no matter what I see in the mirror, or that I magically became equipped with self-love and positive self-talk. (Yeah, right!)

What happened is that I got treatment for an eating disorder. When that made my relationship with food and my body even more toxic, I found a nutritionist who specialized in HAES (Health at Every Size) and intuitive eating. At first I couldn’t believe that she wanted me to give up diets -- that [she said] dieting was at the heart of my disordered eating and distorted beliefs about food, exercise, health, and my body. It felt like a trick. A trick that would leave me heavier, more unhappy, and more uncomfortable in my body. 

That was winter 2017. It has taken me almost three years to adopt intuitive eating and to say no to dieting. I always thought that the hardest thing I could do was lose weight. I have since learned that not falling victim to the next fad diet is even harder. Every day we are bombarded with messages about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods, how to kickstart our metabolisms, how to shed weight quickly, exercise programs based on our body shape, and countless other messages that claim to be made in the name of being ‘healthy.’ 

Every day I filter these messages out. Every day, I have to remind myself that they are all lies. Sometimes the messages get through and I wonder, ‘What if this one actually works…?’ And then I start over again. The filter reboots.”

“I was in shock when I first saw my pictures on the gallery wall. It took me a while to realize that they were in fact pictures of me, but once I did, my reaction was not to criticize my body, but to stand there in awe and appreciation. 

For the first time, I saw a reflection of myself that I was not ashamed of.

For the first time, I saw my own beauty.

For the first time, I thought it was possible to love my body.

‘In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.’ -- Caroline Caldwell 

I choose to live consciously in the body I have today -- not my past or future body.

I choose to say no to diet culture. Again and again and again.

I choose to let go of the idea of food as being “good” or “bad.” Food is food. Period.

I choose to separate my self-worth from my weight, my desirability from my pants size. 

I choose to take up space, not shrink away.

I choose to celebrate my body.

I choose to rebel.”

“I am not ready to claim that I am in love with my body -- but I am at peace with the knowledge that I will be able to say those words in the future. Each day I get a step closer. The journey towards self-love takes a lifetime to maneuver, and if working with Alyssa is any evidence of what is to come, I can’t wait!” 

A, you are just incredible. Your portraits really capture your poise, confidence, and strength. I am in awe of you -- thank you so, so much for trusting me with your boudoir session. I’m really grateful we got to work together!